Guanfacine - Two Weeks In

Logan will have been on Guanfacine ( his ADHD medication) for two weeks tomorrow.  Holy cow we have seen such a difference in that little kid.  The night terrors that we were dealing with last week are still there but seem to be getting better every day.  At this point he is still waking up once a night but is able to be calmed down and he is sleeping in his own bed again (hallelujah!!)  His Dr. thinks his night terrors should keep getting better and better at this point.

But oh my gosh he is seriously a different kid.  He is still quirky Logan, still obsessed with his keys and motorcycle and Legos but he is just so much calmer.  He is not getting worked up the way he would, little things aren't setting him off and he is able to listen and understand what we are asking of him.

His inclusion teacher at daycare has been out all week and his regular teacher who we have had serious issues with by the way pulled  me aside to tell me how great Logan is doing.  He is taking naps he is sitting for circle time and he is playing with the other kids.

Logan seems so much happier too.  The other day I picked him up early for occupational therapy and he rattled on and on about his day and then tells me, "Miss Destini gave me my medicine again today.  My medicine makes my life happy."  Like SERIOUSLY he can see a difference and I'm so happy for him I can't even stand it.

We still have to give the medicine two more weeks to get a real understanding of how it is going to work for Logan but we have our fingers crossed that it will keep working as well as it has been.  I feel like I finally have my child back.  My sweet loving child that I haven't seen in two years.  He is being kind and fun and smiling and interacting with us instead of being stressed and angry and violent.  I'm so happy with the results we have seen and I'm just so happy for Logan.  He is such an amazing kid and deserves a chance to be happy.

Medication

So, we decided to try putting Logan on medication.  Please, no judgement.  Logan has been so rough and hasn't seemed to be making much progress, even with going to the Children's Center five days a week.  Logan's psychotherapist referred us to a psychiatrist, Dr. Claire, who also works at the Children's Center.  And by the way she is fantastic!  She went in several days to observe Logan during preschool and visit with him.  She then met with Matt, Logan and me and spent two hours discussing his condition with us.  After thinking over it and praying for several weeks we decided it was time to try medication.

Logan and I met with Dr. Claire last Thursday and she recommended putting him on Guanfacine twice a day.  He started it last Friday has seemed to do really well with it.  The medicine was supposed to make him exhausted the first 10 days but we haven't seen this too badly.  He seems a little tired and maybe a little grumpy but the big win is he seems to not be as impulsive and angry.

I pulled up to pick him Monday night and he was outside with his inclusion teacher.  Apparently the kids in the classroom were being noisy and he told the teacher, "I'm overwhelmed, I need a break."  What a win!  So his inclusion teacher took him for a walk so he could calm down.  He has done similar things like this at home and seems to be expressing himself more than just getting angry.

The only bad side effect we have seen is nightmares.  He had a nightmare over the weekend but we were able to calm him down within about 10 minutes and he then slept through the rest of the night.  but Tuesday night he woke up at 2 am terrified and did not calm down the rest of the night.  By around 3 am Matt moved to the couch and I pulled Logan into bed with me and he slept on and off but was terrified of everything. 

He woke up around 6 screaming that his pajamas were scary, the carpet was scary, the toilet was scary, the shadows were scary, you name it he was scared of it.  I couldn't miss work so we sent him to school and he stayed terrified all day.  It went so far that he insisted something was inside his shirt and the teachers had to take it off, shake it and show him there wasn't anything there.

When I picked him up he was just shaking.  I felt horrible and the worst part was he kept telling me, "I'm scared mom, I'm just so scared and it's something but its nothing."  It's like he knew there wasn't anything to be scared of but he still couldn't calm down.  He fell asleep around 6 that night and we were finally able to wake him up at 7:30 and feed him dinner but he would not sit anywhere but on my lap.  He was afraid of his sheets and couldn't go to bed so he was up until 10:00 until I finally took him to bed with me again.  He slept through most of the night and woke up today feeling much better and happy. I'm hoping that this was because he got too tired but I called his Dr. just in case.

So that's the update on Logan and where we are at dealing with his sensory processing disorder.  The Children's Center is still evaluating Logan for autism but for now we don't have a definitive answer.  I do feel like he is in the right place and we have the right people to help Logan get this all figured out.

Bad Day

Yesterday Logan had a rough day.  He has days that are good and days that are bad and yesterday was a bad one.  It's almost like his brain isn't firing quite right or something and he wakes up off and nothing you do the whole day can make a difference.  He is irritable and aggressive and unreasonable.  His comprehension is down and so he won't listen to the things you say and it seems like all we can do is get through the day and hope we wakes up better the next day.




He woke up irritable yesterday morning and refused to get up and get ready for school.  He laid on the floor crying and yelled at me when I tried to help.  I fed him breakfast before I took him to school to see if that would help but it didn't.  He went to the Children's Center and luckily they are trained to handle him on his bad days.  But his inclusion teacher got in a car accident on the way to the daycare and wasn't waiting for him when he got off the bus like she always does. 




The front desk worker didn't know what to do so she sent him back with the other preschool kids who were finishing lunch and getting ready for naps and the classroom was very chaotic.  The teachers were busy with the other kids so Logan didn't get his normal calm down routine before naps and he snapped and lost it.  Logan bit and scratched a kid right before his inclusion teacher showed up.  And this all happened within about 15 minutes.  And because he bit it was an automatic suspension for the day.




One of the hardest parts of all of this for me is feeling like I can't be there for Logan when he needs me. I'm out of sick time and had a big meeting at work yesterday afternoon that I couldn't miss.  Thank goodness my mother-in-law was around and picked him up for me and just had him watch Daniel Tiger until I got there to pick him up.  When I tried to talk to him about what had happened he seriously had no clue.  It was like he was a deer in the headlights and he just stared at me with those big blank eyes.  His bad days scare me to death.




Logan crashed and fell asleep on the drive home.  He got about 30 minutes of sleep before I woke him up to eat the chicken nuggets I picked up from Wendy's.  He cried and cried and cried.  And cried until his face was bright red and he was hysterical.  We forced him to eat, did a quick bath and then put him down for early bed.  He woke up better this morning and I hope he has a better day today.

Children's Center - One Month In

Okay, well there have been a TON of changes in our neck of the woods over the past two months.  I wrote back in December about Logan being diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  Because we have a diagnosis our daycare was able to apply for state funding to get an inclusion teacher to work with Logan one on one.  So basically whenever Logan is at daycare he has an inclusion teacher with him.  It has been an absolute blessing.  It is a husband and wife duo who are the most loving, kind patient people I have ever met in my entire life.


At the end of December Logan and I met with the same child psychologist at the Children's Center who helped us get him diagnosed.  Her name is Kate by the way and she is freaking awesome!  We talked about Logan and she went on to diagnosis him with anxiety, ADHD and possibly autism.  She recommended we put him in the special needs group therapy preschool at the Children's Center for half a day FIVE DAYS A WEEK.  Which would also mean he wouldn't get to go to his preschool at Mountain Shadows anymore.


This seemed totally extreme at first and not really something we wanted to do so we went home and prayed and talked and prayed and really watched Logan.  And it hit Matt and I, this is the answer we have been searching for.  Logan is the sweetest little guy but really, the past two years have been so incredibly hard and we have been searching for help and here it is.  So we signed Logan up and he started January 20th.


So now Logan goes to daycare in the morning where he is met at the front by his inclusion teacher and given breakfast.  The Children's Center bus comes to pick him up at 8:30 and drops him back off at daycare at 12:30 where he is again met by his inclusion teacher.  The teacher stays with him until 5:00 when I pick him up.  Oh, and on Tuesday afternoons we go over to the Primary Children's facility where he has occupational therapy to work on his SPD. And Logan and I meet with Kate twice a month go over Logan's progress.


We have been blown away by the amount of help we are getting.  I just can't even believe it.  The past month has been a bit rocky for Logan to adjust to his new schedule and I'm not going to lie, the Children's Center is a really tough little program.  He comes home exhausted and crashes as soon as his head hits his pillow.  The first few weeks he seemed more grumpy but he has since fallen into a routine and gets excited to go to his school each day.


The goal is to have Logan out of the Children's Center program in six months and have him be able to interact in his normal daycare class without so many incidents.  I know we are at the beginning of all of this and have a long way to go but I'm just so glad we are going somewhere.

When Mommy is Sick

I have been sick.  Like REALLY sick.  With just a stupid cold but it has been like the cold of all colds.  I have had it for over a week and it has put me under.  On Monday I woke up and couldn't hear out of my right ear, turns out I have double ear infections and my ear drum ruptured later that day.  So I have been doing the absolute bare minimum and nothing else and its starting to show.  The house is a wreck, there are piles of laundry, and the kids have watched more TV than I care to admit to.  But I think the really cool part about being sick is seeing how your family responds.


My family freaking rocks.  From Matt doing laundry and taking care of the kids to how my kiddos have been stepping up and pulling their weight.  My mom and sister bringing me cinnamon rolls.  Then my brother in law bringing dinner that he made!  And my dad dropping off a pie!  But the best is how the kids have been taking care of me. 


On Monday when my eardrum ruptured I was pretty much down with all the pain.  Nathan was bringing me drinks and snacks and trying to show me funny videos on YouTube.  Logan was by my side covering me up with his blanket and insisting on rubbing my back and constantly telling me to close my eyes.  The best was when he tried to fill the humidifier up with water because "it makes mommy healthy."

Even though being sick is no fun I love how much my family has been caring for me.  And I'm so proud of my kids and how quick they are to see a need and serve in any way that they can.  I have felt very loved and cared for and feel blessed to have such an awesome family!!

Sensory Processing Disorder

After two years of concern and fear and frustration we finally have an answer to explain Logan's difficulties.  After a year of doctors and therapists and neighbors and friends looking at Matt and I like we were crazy. After a year of Logan struggling so much with daycare and kids and lets be honest, life in general.  We finally found someone who would listen and understand.


Back at the end of the summer Logan's daycare insisted that there was something wrong with Logan and that he needed behavioral therapy.  We started talking to therapists and got him enrolled in a special needs preschool through our school district to try to help with his behavior.  But it wasn't enough.  So in November we talked to Logan's pediatrician who like everyone else thought we were crazy and overreacting but referred us to the Children's Center.  The Children's Center then referred us to the Primary Children's behavioral clinic in Taylorsville and the therapist finally put all the pieces together.  Logan has a sensory processing disorder.


It's like the light bulb has gone on, I don't know how else to describe it.  The therapist at the Children's Center said he has symptoms of ADHD, anxiety, OCD, autism, and behavioral defiant disorder.  All of the symptoms he is exhibiting are ALL symptoms of sensory processing disorder.  Every single once. 


The therapist from Primary Children's thinks he has a sensory modulation dysfunction meaning he is overly sensitive to sensory information.  This explains about 90% of his strange behavior. Like how he walks on his toes, or why he rearranges decorations in the house or why he is afraid of trees and pumpkins and a red ring bath toy or why he cries when I wash his hair and most importantly, why he is being aggressive and violent.


As I type this out it seems so weird that we would be so happy about this diagnosis but I'm so happy I could just cry (and I have been).  Finally someone can help us to understand why Logan is the way he is and how we can help him.  Because we have a diagnosis the daycare can now apply for state funding to have an aid worker be with Logan every day and give him the one on one attention that he needs right now.  And he is going to be in therapy twice a month with a therapist who is trained to help kids with SPD. 


Logan is such a great kid but he has been so misunderstood the past year.  I'm so excited that we are going to get Logan so much help so that everyone can see what an amazing kid he really is.

Daniel Tiger is Confusing my Children

Don't get me wrong, Daniel Tiger is very well loved at my house, even by my husband and me.  Mickey Mouse Clubhouse used to be the show constantly on at my house and it drove my husband and I crazy.  Daniel Tiger is such a breath of fresh air.  The lessons are good, the songs are catchy and way less annoying then "bubble up bubble up bubble up".  Gag me!


So we were thrilled when BOTH of my children fell in love with Daniel Tiger.  They are three and five and Daniel is the only show the both of them like to watch together.  It plays at our house almost every single day and we sing the songs like crazy and Logan is even getting a Daniel Tiger birthday party.  But is anyone else's kids getting confused by the show?


Like for example, the new episode that talks about food allergies.  In the episode Daniel learns he is allergic to peaches and they talk about what to do if you have an allergy and so on and so forth.  Great educational episode.  Except now both of my kiddos think they are allergic to peaches and have told their teachers at daycare that they can't eat peaches and downright refuse to eat them now. 


Or a second example, the magical garden where all the neighbors go to pick fruit or vegetables or whatever for free, whenever they would like.  So when we walk by someone's house Logan can't understand why it is not okay to pick apples off people's trees or why we can't pull the carrots out of the ground at Wheeler farm or why we can't pick flowers out of people's gardens. 


Or my absolute favorite example.  The episode where Mom Tiger is pregnant and having baby Margaret.  Logan has latched on to that episode for some reason and watches it way more than the rest.  But now the problem is he is convinced that he is getting a baby sister too, just like Daniel.  And he is telling everyone!  I'm absolutely thrilled if you can't tell.


I love that my kids have found such a great show to love so much but I think their obsession may have turned over to insanity.  Daniel Tiger, how you make our world go round.

Best Husband

This summer was, well a rough one.  And not with the kids or our families or anything.  I can blame my job one hundred percent for the rough summer.  Okay well maybe not 100%, but I'm giving it a good 98% then. 


My company has been building a new commercial building and re-skinning a smaller building and parking garage. They open this fall. All of it! And we are struggling to get it all done in time.  This summer my life was my job.  When I was at work I was working as fast as possible and always having things fall through the cracks.  When I was home I was checking emails or making mental check lists or stressing about funding and change orders.  It was awful.


I handled it okay for the majority of the summer but I think I lost my mind a few weeks ago and haven't been able to keep anything together.  And my sweet husband is the best about it.  He has just been stepping in and taking over everything I have let slip through the cracks. 


Two weeks ago he called me up to tell me he had booked me a massage for that night and that he was leaving work early to get the kids and would take care of them for the night so I could have a break. He let me crash a few Sundays ago and sleep most of the day while he took care of the kids and cooked dinner by himself.  Last night I picked up the kids, hit Walmart and then got home to find that Matt had made dinner, cleaned up the house and had laundry already going. 


It's things like that which really make me grateful that I am married to Matt.  It's difficult with both of us working and trying to balance our jobs and our family and I'm so glad I don't have to figure it out by myself.  He is such a great husband and I'm so lucky to have him.

Jungle Jims

After having Tuesdays off for almost a year, I unfortunately have to go back to working five days a week, starting next week.  Since yesterday was my last Tuesday off, the kids and I decided to make it special and went to Jungle Jims.  Oh My Goodness we had a blast.  I took the kids about a year ago and they liked it then, they freaking LOVED it this time.

Logan was finally big enough for the bumper cars! Kid could not figure out to push the pedal down until it was almost over but he sat in the corner, turning the steering wheel and grinning from ear to ear.  He kept saying so proudly, "I drove it Mommy, I drove it!"

The airplane thingamajigs are always a crowd pleaser.

Logan liked the swings more than Nathan, I think Nathan was a touch bored.

K, so somehow Logan pushed the buttons just so and turned this video game on without paying!  It was a Batman car racer type game and I even checked, it was not a demo, kiddo was really playing!

Nathan asked Logan for a turn and Logan so nicely said sure! and let Nathan have a go at it.  I think next time I will just pay the money and let them play since they both enjoyed it so much.

Oh the bounce houses!  There were three and I could not get the kids out of the bounce house play land for anything!  Except when they were starving and I bribed them with lunch.

Okay, there is this "rollercoaster" that actually goes around in a circle pretty stinking fast and then it goes backward.  Nathan actually asked to ride it and look at those smiles!  They both loved it and nobody cried.  They are getting so big and brave!

It was such a great day to just play and spend time with the kids.  They are getting big so fast I'm so glad we could go and make some awesome memories.  Nathan is already planning that his birthday party is going to be at Jungle Jims so it looks like we will be back soon!

I Love Having a Five Year Old

I love having a five year old...well an almost five year old.  Nathan has grown up so much this summer I can't even believe it.  Don't get me wrong, he was an awesome four year old.  But the past month or so he just seems so much older I guess.  It's like I have a little buddy who talks my ear off and tells me the greatest things ever!  Like for example, he learned about space and the planets at school a few weeks ago.  He has told me the name of every planet, what stars are made of, all about how you need a rocket ship to go to the planets, and did you know that there is "dry lava" on Mars?  Not hot lava but dry lava and that is why it's red.  I have no idea what dry lava is but I love hearing him talk about it so much!

And then there was this morning.  I was running late and hurrying to pack my lunch.  Nathan looked up and me and said "Mom, why are you so stressed?"  I told him that I had a lot of meetings today and it was going to be a rough day.  So then he asks me, "What is your first meeting?" I tell him its a project coordination meeting.  He asks me, "What's your second meeting?" So i tell him a parking construction meeting.  Then he asks, "What's your third meeting?"  I tell him I have to spend the afternoon at the city getting building permits.  He thought about it for a few minutes and tells me, ya mom you have a busy day,  I hope your day gets better soon.

I just love so much that he cared what I was doing, even though he has no idea what any of it means.  It just means the world that he takes the time to listen to people and cares about what is bothering them.  Nathan does this sort of thing all the time now.  He is just so thoughtful and kind and caring I can't even believe it.

When I dropped him off at school I gave him a kiss and hug and told him to have a great day.  He says to me, "Well Mom, I will have a good day, and then a great night when we are together again."  Talk about getting me to cry first thing in the morning.  I sure love my kids more than words can say.

"Your Kid Needs Behavioral Therapy"

There are no words for when your two and a half year old's daycare teacher tells you that your kid needs behavioral therapy.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't rebuttal, and the silence on my end of the phone call was apparently the opening for his teacher to give me the laundry list of all the times Logan has misbehaved.

My heart is breaking and I'm choking back the tears as I mutter something stupid about getting an appointment arranged.  It's not like Matt and I don't know that Logan struggles.  We do know.  We deal with it day and and day out.  We have been working with Logan and therapists for over a year now, first with social skills, then sign language, then speech.  We knew he was having some behavioral issues but honestly we were chalking it up to 2 year old behavior as well as him having been so far behind.

His speech therapist talked to us at the beginning of the summer about some of his issues and set up a meeting with us and the director of a special needs preschool.  When the director met Logan she was surprised he was even being evaluated but told us to have his daycare teacher fill out an evaluation and bring it back at the beginning of October.  I haven't given his teacher the paperwork yet, I was still hoping he would improve enough that the teacher would give him a good evaluation.  Guess that's not an option anymore....

I know its stupid to avoid reality.  If he needs help then he needs help.  If he has anger and behavior issues then they aren't going to go away by ignoring them.  And I know it is better to deal with these kind of problems now, before he gets into elementary school.  But his speech has gotten so good that I just really hoped everything else would fall into line as well.

I feel like Logan just gets labeled as a bad kid or aggressive or difficult without getting to know who Logan really is.  Yes, he gets aggressive, yes he can be very difficult and stubborn but he can also be the sweetest most loving kid I know.   

The Fourth of July

I love holidays, I just do.  I love planning for them and making themed desserts and buying matching outfits for the kids specifically for that holiday.  And Matt rolls his eyes at my insanity but still puts on a smile and goes with it.  And the Fourth of  July is no exception.  What has been really fun this year is to see my kids get so excited with me.


This year we decided to do our own fireworks on July 2nd with my sister Emily, her husband Chase and their daughter Paisley.  It was awesome!  Last year Paisley and Logan were afraid of the fireworks, this year they could not contain their excitement. 

Logan cracked me up, he was so serious about the fireworks all night!

We were running low on lighter fluid so the boys ran to the store for more.  They took too long so Emily and I lit off a few fireworks without them (and scared ourselves to death).

Matt of course had to rig a couple of fireworks.  It isnt' a firework show with Matt unless something explodes.

Matt headed out of town Sunday night for a four wheeling trip so it was just me and the kids.  Our neighbors across the street started setting off huge aerial fireworks around 10:00 which woke up the kids so we headed outside in our lawn chairs and watched the most amazing firework show ever!  I was disappointed that Matt missed it but had fun with the kiddos.


On the 4th Matt was still four wheeling so the kids and I headed to Raging Waters with my mom.  I love going to the pool on the 4th because it's not too crowded and still gets us outside without dying from the heat at the park.  After lunch the kids and I headed home for naps and then went to my mom's house for dinner.  We then went home and just watched fireworks from our neighborhood which seriously did not disappoint.  People in our neighborhood are very serious about their fireworks and we had another amazing firework show.

He was such a good sport to let me take his picture.

Logan pouting because he did NOT want his picture taken by the flag.

Logan loved the poppers!



The Fourth of July is such a fun holiday but it is also such a good reminder to be grateful to live in America and to have our freedom.  It reminds me how much I love my country and how grateful I am to the men and women who fight every day to keep us free. 

Life is Good

To say that life is good right now would be an understatement.  Things are just....really good.  Really busy but really good.  Matt is loving his new job down in Provo.  Even though he is gone more and the commute is long he is happier there than he ever was at his old job.  But he is gone a lot!  Last week he worked late every night and didn't get home until 7:30 or 8:00.  But the kids and I are adjusting to having him gone more and are making it work. When Matt worked for UPMA he cooked dinner every single night while I bathed the kids or cleaned the house or what not.  Well with him working so much we are having cereal for dinner a lot more but the kids couldn't be happier about it.


Nathan is doing really great too.  He has grown up so much in the last six months.  He was a really hard three year old but has been a fantastic four year old.  He is getting more independent and better about listening and getting his chores done.  He has also gotten really sweet again.  The other day he went to the backyard and picked a few dandelions.  When he came back inside he told me that he picked beautiful flowers for his beautiful mom.  I will admit it, I definitely cried. 


And Logan is talking!  Like seriously talking!  He is saying words like crazy and is putting two and sometimes three words together at a time.  He can say just about any word that you tell him to now.  Logan is starting to have conversations with Nathan and the two of them are playing so much better now that Logan can talk.  He is still working with the speech therapist twice a month but hopefully we will only have to for a few more months.  Logan said I love you for the first time last week and just about melted my heart.  I'm so proud of how hard my little guy has worked at talking over the last few months.


Things have been good with me too.  Work is going pretty good, my boss switched some things around giving me and my coworker more responsibility and more independence.  I'm really enjoying running construction projects  by myself and have got several in the new 111 building that is being constructed.  It's stressful but I feel like I'm learning a lot and getting more confident in managing projects.


Of course the best part of my days are when I'm home with the kids and I got really lucky a few months ago with a schedule change.  I'm doing four 10 hour shifts instead of five days a week and it has made the biggest difference!  I feel like I'm getting so much more time with my kids and can balance everything better.  It is supposed to be temporary but my boss said that as long as no one complains I can keep going with it!  I'm totally looking forward to being able to take the kids to the pool during the week instead of just on Saturdays now.


And the big news......WE ARE GOING TO DISNEYLAND!  Not until June and Matt isn't going to come but my family is all going so Matt agreed to let the kids and I go.  I'm so excited and I think the boys are just going to love it.  Half the fun of a big vacation is getting to anticipate and plan for it and it's so nice to have something awesome to look forward to.


So that's the jest of what has been going on in our lives.  Hopefully I can start keeping this blog updated instead of writing once every four months.  No promises though...

Christmas

We had the best Christmas ever this year!  I took the whole week of Christmas off and had so much fun just getting to spend time with the boys.  It was nice to not be so busy and have time to do the fun Christmas stuff.  And with the kids getting older it was so fun to watch their excitement and anticipation for Christmas.

Here are my cute boys the Sunday before Christmas.   My mom got them the cutest Christmas ties and Nathan was all about it and couldn't wait to show the kids in primary.  Logan took a big more coaxing but he was a good sport and they  both looked so handsome!

Nathan is such a sweet heart and said okay mom now get one of us together!  I sure do love my little man.

The Tuesday before Christmas we went to the Christmas in Color display at the Olympic Oval and my goodness it did not disappoint.  They said there were almost a million LED lights that were synced to Christmas music.  And you drove through it and put your radio on their station and it seriously took us about 25 minutes to drive through it.  The kids loved all the lights and little Logan kept saying ooo and awwww everytime we turned the car and he saw something new. 

Oh Wednesday we all made sugar cookies and gingerbread cookies and decorated them as a family.  I was amazed at how much the kids got in to it and were particular about which sprinkles they wanted on which cookie.  Logan frosted a bit, then ate sprinkles, then ate his whole cookie and then asked for another one.  I think he went through three cookies!  It was so fun to do it as a family.

On Thursday (Christmas Eve) the boys and I did our yearly trip to Gardner Village to see the elves.  This was our third time going and is one of my favorite parts about Christmas.  Logan was such a ham and would say hi hi hi to every single elf that he saw.  It was freezing so I hustled the boys through everything in about a half an hour and when I started leading them back to the car they both begged to go back through and see the elves again.  An hour and a half later we were all completely frozen but definitely in the Christmas spirit.

Christmas Eve we headed out to Lehi to the annual Kasteler fondue party.  I didn't get any pictures but the boys had so much fun playing with all the kids and Nathan loved the chocolate fondue.  Logan wasn't feeling great so we headed out early which was perfect because the boys were in bed by 8:30.  Nathan was so cute on the way home from the party, he kept saying "Mom, did you hear that?  I think I just heard Santa's bells!"  He went right to bed and told me to go to bed too so that Santa would hurry up and come.

Christmas morning was so much fun.  The boys were so excited to come down the stairs and see that Santa had eaten their cookies and drank their squeeze-it and left so many presents under the tree.  We did their stockings and every present Nathan opened he would yell Thank you Santa or Thank you mom and dad!  Santa brought each of the boys a build a bear, paw patrol dogs and color changer cars.  Matt and I gave Nathan a remote control car, a light saber, books and Legos.  Logan got a kitchen, dishes, a toaster and a color pad.  We did cinnamon rolls for breakfast and Nathan couldn't eat fast enough so that he could try out his color changer cars.  I think they were his favorite gift this Christmas.

The rest of the day was spent visiting our parents and spending time with our siblings.  We got home around 5 that night and spent the rest of the night playing with the kids and relaxing.  The kids went to bed by about 7:00 that night and Matt and I watched a movie and went to bed early.  It was such a great Christmas! 

2015

I've been wanting to post for awhile but haven't known what to say.  2015 I'm sure not sad at all to see you go.  This year has been so hard! Everything has turned out okay but it has just felt like it was a constant struggle after struggle after struggle.  It has been funny with the end of the year coming to see how many of my family members have had the exact same thoughts about 2015 and are just as excited to see this year end. 


So I haven't posted since May.  I feel like I don't even know where to begin.  Well Logan had his hearing test at the end of May and found that his ear drums weren't vibrating.  This was probably due to scar tissue from all the ear infections he had last winter and this was causing him to not be able to hear well.  When the speech therapist came and evaluated him he was performing at less than 1% of the things he should be doing. 


The therapist we got has been so awesome though, she comes twice a month and worked with him on comprehension and socialization before speech.  We started with sign language and he caught on really quick and has learned a bunch of signs.  The comprehension part of his therapy was the most difficult part, his therapist thinks he wasn't understanding us at all when she started working with him.  His speech was still nonexistent until about a month ago when actually started saying a few words!  He had another hearing test in November and his eardrums were vibrating at a normal rate and he is totally understanding us.  Logan is getting easier every day and is babbling and working on sounds like crazy.  He has come so far but we still have a long road to go.


Lets see what else, so radiation was harder on my mom than she was expecting.  It zapped her energy completely and that on top of recovering from chemo pretty much put her under.  She went to work, went home and went to sleep.  Even after radiation was over she has still been so tired.  Summer was pretty rough on her and she spent most of it resting.  She is getting stronger and stronger all the time but still gets exhausted after doing anything and none of us expected her to still be recovering at this point.


And then there have been issues with me.  In July I went in to see an eye doctor because my vision was blurry.  After not being able to get my eyes up to 20/20 they dilated my eyes and noticed that I had swelling on my optic nerves.  They thought this was caused by swelling in my  brain and sent me to get an MRI and a spinal tap.  Getting news like this really rocked my world.  Getting tested for brain tumors and horrible diseases and thinking the worst possibilities is so terrifying.  Two days after we got this news a letter came in the mail telling us that our house appraised for $40,000 more than we paid for it.  Matt and I freaked thinking holy crap what if this is happening so that if I have cancer and die Matt will be financially okay with the kids.  Of course that's totally irrational but we were scared to death.


The MRI came back clean which was a huge relief so they did the spinal tap to test the pressure in my brain as well as to test me for MS, Crones disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis.  The spinal tap came back normal as well and they discovered that the pressure in my brain was actually too low which caused the swelling. 


I did not recover well from the spinal tap at all and got a horrible headache.  I was down in bed for five days before the doctor let me come back in to get a blood patch over the place where they did the spinal tap.  When I went in for the blood patch they did an x-ray on my back and noticed that the area I got my last epidural at was not sealed and was covered with scar tissue.  The doctor did a blood patch on that area as well and my headache went away within just a few hours as well as all the back pain I have had since I had Logan.  The doctors discovered that my headaches, back pain and failing vision was all from the bad epidural.  It has taken several months but my migraines are almost gone, I'm not having back pain anymore and my lost vision has come back.


Matt also started a new job about a month and a half ago.  It has been an absolute blessing and he loves his new job but changing jobs is always hard.  Matt has been staying home with the boys on Tuesday mornings  ever since my mom got cancer and then brought them to work at 11 and I took them home.  Well with the new job this wasn't an option anymore and luckily my boss has let me switch to 4 10 hour shifts.  The job is also in Provo so figuring out how to get the boys to and from daycare with me going in to work so early has been a little tricky but I think we have gotten a good system down.  Matt is so much happier and so it has definitely been worth it.


Nathan has been the only one without issues this year and has been such an amazing kid.  Right before he turned four it was like he grew up over night.  The past few months have been amazing with him and he has been so well  behaved and fun to have around.  There have been times this year where I have almost lost it and Nathan has given me a big hug and told me to be happy and it has made all the difference in the world.  There have been times where I have looked at him and just thought, Heavenly Father really knew what he was doing when he sent Nathan to our family.


So I guess all is well that ends well.  It's almost like everything rough this year got tied up in a nice pretty bow for the end of the year.  This Christmas season was really different for me, I guess you could say that I finally got the true meaning of Christmas.  This year was so rough but I'm so glad that I wasn't alone and that we had the Lord guiding us through it all.  To see how we have all grown through the challenges is pretty amazing but I sure would never want to relive the last year again.

Life Lately

Life lately has been good, really good.  I feel like the turmoil that has been the last six months is mellowing down and we are starting to get back some sense of normalcy.  Here are the main things that have been going on lately.

My mom finished chemo last month which was HUGE!  She did so amazing and was able to finish all 8 rounds on time.  The last four treatments were pretty rough on her but she made it through.  She started radiation last week and it seems to be going much better than the chemo.  She will be done in four weeks and we are all so excited for her.

Matt has been so busy lately.  Between getting the trailers and machines ready before we went to Topaz to building the side by side with his dad to all of the things that need work at our house he has been absolutely slammed.  The people we bought our house from let the backyard grow wild and Matt has spent many nights out there cutting down weeds and pulling out dead bushes and trying to get the grass to grow back.  He has done a great job and I'm so glad he takes care of all the yard work.

Nathan is growing up more and more each day.  He's causing less trouble and amazing us with how independent he can be.  Nathan loves making his own decisions and is so good about getting himself ready in the morning and at night.  I feel like my job with him is getting so much easier.  He has always loved music but lately he is obsessed with the radio!  I swear he knows 90% of the songs that play and sings his heart out whenever we are in the car.  He is going to preschool at daycare now and is doing fantastic.  Nathan seems to do much better when he is focused on something so we are going to put him in swimming lessons this summer.

Logan has definitely been the more difficult child as of late.  A lot of that has attributed to how  much he has been sick this winter!  Stomach flu twice, croup three times, four year infections and cold after cold after cold.  I can't complain too much because he has handled it really well but it still isn't fun to have a sick kid.  Logan has become a toddler through and through and loves to see how much mischief he can get into before we notice.  Logan has worried us the past few months because he isn't learning how to talk and at his 18 month appointment his doctor recommended we get him tested to see if he needs extra help.  He had his evaluation this week and qualified for the program so a speech therapist is going to come to our house twice a month to work with him.  They are also going to test his hearing in a few weeks to make sure everything is all good.  I'm so glad he qualified to get this help and that his doctor encouraged us to do this now.

Things with me are all of the sudden so much better!  I finished up a huge project for work that I have been working on since last fall and has pretty much occupied my life.  I finished it up last week, turned it in and can now go back to just doing my regular job.  My stress levels are so much better my headaches are gone and overall I feel so much better.  So glad that it's over!

Matt and I are getting ready to go on a camping trip without the kids!  It will be the first time we have gone by ourselves ever and we are so excited.  It is way past due and we are excited to get to spend the time together.  My sweet sister Brittany is going to keep the kids for us and Nathan is already so excited he keeps asking when he gets to go.

That is about it.  I'm so glad I got the project finished at work before summer hit so now I can just focus on enjoying it with my boys.  Our pool passes are purchased, our camping trips are planned and I think it is going be an awesome summer.

Moments

I'm having a hard time blogging lately and I'm thinking its because I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around what I have been feeling lately.  On one hand there is a lot of stress and fear and worry going on about my mom.  There has been so much stress with work that I have to keep reminding myself that it's not appropriate to break down and start crying, at least not while you are at work.  And then the regular challenges with kids, family, church, trying to keep the house sort of clean, etc.  But on the other hand there is so much joy and happiness and feeling blessed that my mom is getting cancer treatment, grateful for the new role and experiences I'm having at work, happy to just be silly with my family.  What can I say, I've been a little bit of a basket case.

I know that it's not always going to be like this.  Trials come and go, I will get a handle on work, the house will eventually get cleaned, etc.  But at the same time my kids are not always going to be like this either.  My boys are not always going to follow me around crying to be held, or begging me to watch Ninja Turtles or sneaking into my room early on Saturday mornings to try and get in bed with us.

Even though life has been so chaotic it's also been really good.  One good thing about my mom's cancer is that we have all learned to enjoy the moments and to not always look at the big picture.  The moments that are so good make going through the tough times worth it.  I swear we really have been having fun!  And one day (hopefully soon) I will get back to blogging but for now I'm just focusing on the moments.